There are some things nobody needs in this world, and a black, hunch-back, vortex of self-sabotage is one of them – but just about everybody welcomes self-doubt into their lives anyway, and on some days we actually believe we deserve it. That is why self-sabotage is dangerous.
Everybody does self-sabotage these days. Some people go 150 miles an hour towards oncoming trucks, while some prefer to lie crumpled in a ditch of procrastination.
You have to be a little crazy to twist the throttle and ride straight into the vortex of self-sabotage. The twisted voices within the void whisper messages of self-doubt, low self-esteem and ruptured confidence.
It will scare the whimpering shit out of you…
There is, after all, not a pig’s eye worth of difference between going head-on into a brick wall or sideways into your subconscious. On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.
We know many emotions. Ignore them and you’re just as perceptive as anyone who trusts them too deeply.
Over our souls spread the shadows of colossal failures and all manner of doubt and destructive thoughts weaken our heart and soul and body.
Yet we each hope that the shadows of self-sabotage will fade and self-doubt will be chained forever in hell.
Maybe then we will have the strength to stand tall and whoop the monsters in our hearts and triumph.
How to identify self-sabotage in your life
We find it easy to identify when our friends, family or colleagues are wrestling with their own self-doubt and procrastination.
This is perhaps the worst characteristic of self-sabotage– it’s only invisible to the person that it latches onto. It takes root and gently pollutes our minds as it slowly looms over every aspect of our lives, and we are poorer for it.
Make no mistake. Self-sabotage is the real thing — a psychological monster straight out of Draugar and a very dangerous enemy. It shakes your hand with avoidance, then stabs you in the back with missed opportunities and a lifetime of regrets.
It makes you lie to your friends and betray the trust of your colleagues. Not even Steve McQueen can help you to escape this mental prison, or make your life immune to the evil fallout.
The first step towards liberating yourself from self-sabotage is to identify it. The problem is that self-sabotage often conceals itself as something we need to protect us from harm. At other times, it may shape-shift into the appearance of something we need so that we can live a better life.
An example of self-sabotage
A good friend of mine fell in love with someone recently. She smiled for days and it was clear that the man in her life was exactly what she needed.
She had a lifetime of misery and abuse but decided to take decisive action to fix things. She was the hardest worker in the room and showed enormous empathy and love to others– she also wanted to be loved and when she finally found her “perfect man” she threw him to the wolves.
While I won’t go into specifics, it is fair to say that when the man showed that he cared for her, it reminded her of a memory she wished she didn’t have.
In the blink of an eye, she went from the joy of being in love to feeling nothing.
Emotions don’t work that way. You don’t go from screaming around corners in third gear to slamming on the breaks unless something got in the way.
You guessed it… self-sabotage and self-doubt.
Low self-esteem sabotaging relationships
There are many reasons why people self-sabotage their relationships, including fear of commitment and low self-esteem.
Maybe you’re in a wonderful relationship with someone you’re really close to, but without warning, they ghost you.
Perhaps you’re lucky and get a response along the lines of “I know I just told you that I love you, but today I feel different” or in extreme cases “you sound just like a terrible person from my past“.
It happened to me and it stings.
They ghost you or for no good reason and they associate you with scum.
It might not make you feel any better, but the problem isn’t you.
It’s them and until they’re willing to address it, they will never be happy because they allow self-doubt and self-sabotage to rule their emotions.
Why self-esteem sabotages relationships
Intimacy is a difficult subject for some. It can evoke memories of bad experiences that in turn produce intense feelings of dread and despair.
How people deal with those feelings can influence current relationships–especially when dealing with negative experiences and its ability to obliterate intimate relationships.
However, intimacy without love is as empty and hollow as love without intimacy.
The specific reason(s) why you or your partner self-sabotages relationships is context-specific.
We have all had a different past.
We may have had loving parents, or a traumatic childhood… Perhaps teenage humiliation and abusive relationships… The point is that these experiences can influence how we act in present relationships.
As much as we may want to avoid intimacy, we can’t escape being human.
Humans are a sociable species and regardless of what we tell ourselves, everyone wants and needs intimacy.
But for some, intimacy can be linked to negative experiences, leading to a “push-and-pull”-type behaviour of avoidance and non-commitment.
Intimacy is a difficult subject for anyone with low self-esteem and a fear of being close to someone. They form the belief that men or women “I am close to cannot be trusted“.
Self-Sabotage relationships comes from fear.
There are two types of fear that lead to self-sabotaging relationships:
Fear of abandonment causes someone to be worried that the person they are close to will leave them when they are most vulnerable.
Fear of engulfment is the concern that their relationship will force them to lose their identity or their ability to make decisions for themselves against their will.
It is common for both of these fears to co-exist, leading to the “push-and-pull” effects that come from fears of intimacy.
Why do we allow self-sabotage to happen?
Most of us have had a bloody relationship with self-doubt and self-sabotage for many years.
Self-sabotage has the unique ability to make your avoidance of a successful life seem honourable, and we develop a keen sense of fraternity.
Some of my best friends give in to self-sabotage all their lives. My mother hates anything that makes her anxious, my son hates acclaim, I hate social situations, and this hatred has brought us together.
Even when we identify the characteristics of our own self-sabotage, we often lack the necessary skills or courage to kill it. Yet when friends, family or colleagues are wrestling with their own self-doubt and procrastination, it’s easy to fix.
This is perhaps the worst characteristic of self-sabotage– it’s an invisible foe to the person that it latches onto. It takes root and gently pollutes their mind as it slowly looms over every aspect of their life, then they are poorer for it.
Make no mistake. Self-sabotage is the real thing — a psychological monster straight out of Draugar and a very dangerous enemy. It shakes your hand with avoidance and protection, then stabs you in the back with missed opportunities and a lifetime of regrets.
It makes you lie to your friends and betray the trust of your colleagues. Not even Steve McQueen can help you to escape this mental prison, or make your life immune to the evil fallout.
How I cope with self-sabotage
A few years ago I decided that I would do everything I could to fix my self-sabotage. I knew then that it wouldn’t be easy and that it might take a lifetime of fighting to get on top of it.
I started by examining cycles of self-sabotage in my life and keeping a watchful eye for triggers and pitfalls along the way. I’m not always successful, but like anything in life, it’s about dusting yourself off and learning from your mistakes. The trick is to break the cycle of self-doubt or else you’ll never escape the vortex.
I discovered that you have to develop the cunning and savage ferocity of a wolverine that’s cornered by trappers. That is the wolverine’s style — and the moment you forget to fight with absolute savagery, self-sabotage will split your skull and mount you on its wall. Wolverines don’t fight fair, bubba. That’s why you must fight with tooth and claw until they concede “we’re not going to get this guy today”.
I call the Wolverine Mind-Set. Always remember that self-doubt is the prelude to self-sabotage. So be ferocious at first sight.
Self-sabotage affirmations
You might think this is a load of mumbo jumbo or for “punks” or “losers“, but here are 60 self-sabotage affirmations that might help you to blow the bastards away:
- I believe in myself
- I’m worthy
- Hard times make me leathal
- I’m responsible for my actions
- I’m not perfect, but I’m damn close
- I deserve to be happy
- I can reach my goals
- I need love and I will love
- I believe that good things are in my life
- I accept my screwball behavior
- Difficult circumstances come and go like the wind
- I won’t say no out of fear
- I’m doing my best
- I’m grateful for everything I have
- I deserve to refuel my body and care for myself
- I was made to fulfill a purpose
- I have the power to do anything
- I’m strong and courageous
- I’m beautiful inside and out
- I deserve complete and unconditional love
- All things work together for my good
- I’m enough
- I deserve respect
- I’m proud of my uniqueness
- I’m worth it
- I have the strength to face challenges head on
- My past doesn’t define my future
- I choose to find the joy in each day
- I’m a child of God, He’s always with me
- I’m smart and confident
- I love myself completely and wholly
- I appreciate everything in my life
- I know that it’s OK to fail as long as I get back up again
- I can adapt to whatever comes my way
- I’m complete in Christ
- I’m authentic, genuine
- I choose happiness over fear
- I won’t allow the actions or words of others to define how I view myself
- I’m ready to step out of my comfort zone
- I’m a complex and that’s the shit
- I know that there’s a wonderful plan for me
- I’m God’s work of art
- I forgive myself
- I trust myself and have faith in my abilities
- I choose to fill my life with joy and positivity
- I choose to let go of past hurts
- Money doesn’t define my happiness
- I work hard and deserve the credit I get
- I’m a good mother
- I’m confident in my knowledge and understanding of things
- I’m passionate and enthusiastic
- I’m bold and ask questions when I don’t understand something
- I’m open to opportunity
- I learn from my mistakes
- I’ve been chosen to bear fruit and be successful
- My future holds endless possibilities
- I refuse to worry about the things that are out of my control
- I value my health
- I’m a high-powered mutant
- I don’t have to compare myself to other people
Self-sabotage doesn’t equal happiness.
I am not without scars on my brain and my body, but I can live with them. I still feel a shudder in my spine every time I see a flashback of some self-doubt moment, or when I walk into a public restroom and hear twisted men whispering about their terrifying life choices…
Self-sabotage only avoids happiness.
On some days being free of self-sabotage is about the most fun you can have with your clothes on. This isn’t to say that you should jump into everything without thinking about it first, but eliminating self-doubt and self-sabotage will always be a fast route to success and a bloodcurdling kind of fun.